Ever since I first found out that Barbara had breast cancer the thought of her dying plagued me almost daily. I never told her how I felt about this because I tried to be her coach and source of strength. There were many nights especially when she was in the hospital with the infections that I cried myself to sleep. I just kept thinking that it was so unfair for her to have cancer and suffer all that humiliation and sickness that came with the chemotherapy treatments. I never really got over the fear of losing her. I was so afraid of what would happen to me. How could I ever go on with my life without her? How would I cope with the thought of never seeing her or talking with her again?

I thought a lot about death during this period. I firmly believed in the afterlife and eternal salvation. I knew that Barbara was a good Christian and that her place in heaven would be a certainty. But I wanted her here on earth with me for the rest of my life. I wanted to see her grow old and comfort me. I couldn't stand the thought of her dying before me.