Happy Birthday or Whatever
Track Suits, Kim Chee, and Other Family Disasters
Chapter One
Happy Birthday or Whatever
I was going to have the best birthday ever. It would
start with a parade-a dizzying spectacle of floats,
prancing palominos, and the country's loudest marching
bands. There would be troupes of mimes and
contortionists, foul-mouthed drag queens, and a man
juggling little girls on fire. Monkeys dressed in powder
blue tuxedos would throw candy and tiny bottles of
whiskey to the hordes of my fans lined up along Sixth
Avenue. A dozen Michael Jackson impersonators, from his
pre-op "Rock with You" days to his current noseless
incarnation, would handle the sixty-foot helium balloon
version of me. As the Grand Marshal, I would ride on the
back of an elephant and wave as streamers, confetti, and
twenty-dollar bills cascaded over me. After the
procession, my friends and I would drink all the liquor
in Manhattan, break tequila bottles over our heads, and
pick fights with the Hell's Angels. The next morning we
would crawl into work at the crack of noon, nursing
hangovers and picki ... read full excerpt from: Happy Birthday or Whatever ebook
