Chapter One

The good news about my cruise is, I didn't get seasick. The bad news is, I almost got hacked to death by a raving loony. But, hey. Life's funny that way. My life, that is. Just when I think things are going smoothly someone comes along and tries to eviscerate me.

But let's rewind to the day it all began, shall we?

My neighbor Lance was stretched out on my bed, watching me as I raced around tossing clothes into a suitcase.

"I still can't believe you're going on a cruise by yourself," he said, shaking his blond curls in disbelief.

Yes, it's true. I, Jaine Austen, a woman whose idea of a Mexican vacation is a two-for-one Burrito Day at Taco Bell, was about to head off on my first cruise to Mexico. Or, as we cognoscenti say, Me-hi-co! And the best thing was, it was absolutely free!

I'd answered an ad in the L.A. Times from a cruise company looking for lecturers, and much to my surprise and delight, they'd hired me. All I had to do was teach a few lessons on Writing Your Life Story, and the generous folks at Holiday Cruise Lines were picking up my tab.

"But, Jaine," Lance pointed out, "the average age on these cruises is dead. How do you expect to meet anybody?"

"I'm not going on the cruise to meet anybody. I'm going for the adventure, the scenery, the Latin culture."

Oh, who was I kidding? I was going for the twenty-four-hour buffet. Imagine! Dessert on tap any time day or night. Talk about heaven.

"Gaack! You can't possibly be taking that," Lance said, pointing to a perfectly serviceable Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs T-shirt. "They'll make you

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