The New York Times calls him “the funniest man in America,” and his legions of fans agree, laughing and snorting as they put his books on bestseller lists nationwide.
In Boogers Are My Beat, Dave gives us the real scoop on:
• The scientific search for the world’s funniest joke (you can bet it includes the word “weasel”)
• RV camping in the Wal-Mart parking lot
• Outwitting “smart” kitchen appliances and service contracts
• Elections in Florida (“You can’t spell Florida without ‘duh’”)
• The Olympics, where people from all over the world come together to accuse each other of cheating
• The truth about the Dakotas, the Lone Ranger, and feng shui
• The choice between death and taxes
And much, much more—including some truths about journalism and serious thoughts about 9/11.
Dave Barry won the Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 1988, and his columns are syndicated in more than 500 newspapers. His most recent books, Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down and the novels Big Trouble and Tricky Business, were national bestsellers. He lives in Miami, Floriduh.
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|Title of eBook: Boogers Are My Beat|
|Release Date: 09-23-2003|
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|Publisher: Crown Publishing Group|
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Boogers Are My Beat
A Wacky Path for Politics
Memo: ELECTION 2000
Before I analyze the presidential election, I want to make a statement, on behalf of South Florida, to the state and local candidates who ran all those TV ads, especially Elaine Bloom, Clay Shaw, Bill McCollum and Bill Nelson: We hope that you and all your media advisers rot in Campaign Hell, Okay? We hope that demons tape your eyelids open and force you to watch your own TV commercials. We hope that every thousand years, the demons hold an election to decide which one of you should be allowed to leave Campaign Hell, and the winner is always: None of the Above.
There! I feel better! Now, let's analyze the presidential election. As you can imagine, I was up all night scrutinizing the returns. (NOTE TO EDITOR: The truth is, I'm writing this while the polls are still open. I don't plan to watch the returns. I plan to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and be asleep by 9:15 p.m. So I need some help finishing this analysis.)
The key to presidential elections is the Electoral College, an institution created by the Founding Fathers so that Tim Russert would have something to talk about. Under this system, each state receives a certain number of electoral votes, based on how stupid the state's motto is. Thus, New York (motto: "Driver Carries No Cash") has 33 electoral votes; whereas North Dakota (motto: "Coming Soon—Plumbing!") has none.
This system can produce some quirky results. In 1884, the Electoral College declared that Grover Cleveland was the winner, even though it turned out that there was no such person. Later, the Electoral College got a bee in its bonnet and elected Franklin D. Ro